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Monday, February 1, 2010

Falsticity...

The day had finally come! It was 1991 and the much anticipated report card day had arrived. For some it carried negative connotations but for your boy...it was Payday! This because I was promised $5 for B's and $10 for A's and since I was always one to count my chickens, I had already planned how it would be spent. You see, after my ship had come in, my after school habit of Minnesota Avenue Carry-out fries and Push-Pops would be supported until the following quarter. But wait...what was this "thing" on my report card. Some kind of blemish, it looked almost like a C! Well that couldn't be right because that would mean my plan would be thwarted and I had not calculated this "thing" into the budget! "Well teachers make mistakes all the time, I thought. I just wished she hadn't made it with me. My folks are gonna "kirk" and I'd sure hate to be Ms. Hatchet right about now!"
Well here I am folks. Nearly twenty years later and the tables have turned. It was report card time and I was informed that my daughter would receive a "thing" on her report card. I was infuriated to say the least! Just as infuriated as the time she came home and repeated what her teacher had explained to the class... "It's OK to be average!" I 'bout fell out! This must be some of mistake I thought and... I'd really hate to be the teacher right now! I mean I had just e-mailed her teacher the day prior and she assured me of her grade. "Ooh...Ms. Teacher is gonna get it!"
I called the school right away - no answer! I was forced to leave a message with her counselor. I then waited a whole 10 mins before calling again. No answer...again! At this point my "kirk" level began to steadily rise as an e-mail was formulated. It was not a nice e-mail. I was finny break em' down like I was in an old school pencil fight! I then came home later that evening and watched my daughter drop a single tear as I told her what she would receive. "Oh, that's not right Daddy. I turned in everything! "You put that on everything?" "Yep!" "Ooh, the counselor and Ms. Teacher are both gonna get it!" What an occasion I thought, and a perfect time to pop the cork on that bottle I'd been waiting to open. It was a vintage 1991 bottle consisting of a perfect blend of consequences and repercussions!
Well fam, while home practicing my pencil fighting techniques and preparing my palette as well as my dissertation, the young one returned, again with a single tear running down her face. She wanted to fess up and come clean. "I didn't turn it in Daddy," she said in her small voice. "Huh what?!?" This couldn't be. Was this a blatant face-to-face display of falsiticity??? Had I been lead astray??? Help me! This was sure to cause a "Black out" episode of the highest degree! (See Blog entitled "Discipline...") This would mean I'd have to go back and eat my words and those words were NOT tasteful! I would bet they tasted like chicken though. This because I thought I'd chicken out and reply to the e-mail instead of calling!
So here we are. I stand before you twenty years sober. All because I got my first C and had to detox from my fry and Push-Pop habit. It was tough but necessary. I say If it wasn't for Ms. Hatchet I'd be 400 pounds by now! Hopefully my daughter will in some way find some good in this as well. We shall see. Maybe this experience will motivate her to be a writer??? Her six page dissertation on lying was pretty good!

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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